I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
