Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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