I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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