New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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