Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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