You smell like a Billy Joel song
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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