Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
