Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
