the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize