my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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