Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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