i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
