In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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