I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
