Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
