he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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