Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
