Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
