Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
