i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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