i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
