My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
