remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
