I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Randomize