Don't make out with my wife yet
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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