I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
