He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
