Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
