So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
