I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
