ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
