Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Randomize
