i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
