he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
