i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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