I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
