ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
