My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
