Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
