So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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