Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize