Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
it's like iHOP with fire
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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