I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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