Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
