I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
