This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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