Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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