Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
