i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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