I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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