fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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