He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
