Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
