dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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