paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
