I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
