Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
