the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
