Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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