I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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