I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
