it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
