i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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