I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
