i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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